As a therapist, I often hear clients say, “I just need to be more disciplined” or “If I could just stick to it, everything would be better.” Whether they’re talking about exercise, journaling, sleep, or limiting screen time, the struggle to build positive habits is almost universal. And for those navigating anxiety, depression, ADHD, or trauma, the challenge can feel even more daunting. But what if the way we think about habits is part of the problem?
In this blog post, I’ll walk you through what really works when it comes to building habits—drawing from key research and insights from books like Atomic Habits by James Clear, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, and Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg. I’ll also explore how mental health conditions can interfere with habit formation—and how you can work with your brain rather than against it.
Myths That Sabotage Habit Building
Let’s first bust a few myths:
Myth #1: It only takes 21 days to form a habit.
This idea comes from a misinterpreted quote in a plastic surgeon’s book from the 1960s. Research from the University College London (Lally et al., 2009) found that it takes anywhere from 18 to 254 days to form a habit, with an average of 66 days. The truth is—it depends on the complexity of the habit and your mental/emotional starting point.
Myth #2: You just need more willpower.
Willpower is like a muscle—it gets fatigued. Studies show that relying on self-control alone is unsustainable (Baumeister et al., 1998). Long-term habit change comes from environment design, identity shifts, and small wins—not just gritting your teeth through the hard stuff.
Myth #3: Motivation is the key to success.
Motivation fluctuates. If you rely on being in the “right mood,” you’ll likely give up when stress or low energy hits. Instead, BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits method emphasizes starting so small that success is inevitable—like flossing just one tooth or doing one push-up.
Strategies That Actually Work
1. Focus on identity, not outcomes
In Atomic Habits, James Clear suggests that true behavior change is identity-based. Instead of saying, “I want to read more,” shift to “I am a reader.” When you act in alignment with a chosen identity, motivation and consistency tend to follow.
2. Stack habits onto existing routines
Known as “habit stacking,” this strategy works because it anchors the new behavior to something already ingrained. For example:
“After I pour my morning coffee, I will write down three things I’m grateful for.”
This principle, based on cue-behavior-reward cycles (from The Power of Habit), increases the chances of follow-through.
3. Make the habit ridiculously small
BJ Fogg found that when people shrink a habit to its tiniest version, resistance decreases. Want to meditate? Start with just one deep breath. Want to journal? Write a single sentence. These small wins build consistency, confidence, and momentum.
4. Design your environment
Set up your physical and digital space to support your goals. Put your workout clothes on your bed. Remove social media apps from your home screen. Leave a book on your pillow. As Clear puts it, “You don’t rise to the level of your goals—you fall to the level of your systems.”
When Mental Health Gets in the Way
People struggling with depression often face energy and motivation deficits. Anxiety can make the unknown feel overwhelming. ADHD can impair executive functioning, including planning and follow-through. Trauma can activate a nervous system that makes safety—not productivity—the priority.
Here’s how to work with, not against, your mental health:
1. Lower the bar. No, really.
In times of emotional distress, the bar for success should not be achievement, but engagement. Taking a shower, stepping outside for two minutes, or texting a friend can be the building blocks of recovery. Give yourself permission to succeed in micro-moments.
2. Prioritize regulation over productivity
From a neurological standpoint, a dysregulated nervous system is not primed to build habits. If you’re overwhelmed, begin with grounding exercises—deep breathing, sensory input (like holding ice or using a weighted blanket), or body movement. Only then can higher-order tasks like planning or habit-building become accessible.
3. Build in accountability and connection
Social support improves habit maintenance (Kwasnicka et al., 2016). Share your goals with a therapist, coach, or supportive friend—not to be policed, but to be encouraged, seen, and celebrated. Connection is often the hidden fuel of change.
4. Celebrate every win, no matter how small
Your brain is wired to seek reward. Fogg recommends physically celebrating success (fist pump, smile, say “Yes!”). It may feel silly, but it creates a positive emotional association that makes the habit more likely to stick.
Final Thoughts from the Therapy Room
The process of building habits is not about perfection or overnight transformation. It’s about gentle persistence. When we move away from shame-based narratives and toward a compassionate, research-backed approach, real change becomes possible—even in the midst of depression, anxiety, or trauma recovery.
So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Why can’t I just stick to it?”—pause. Ask instead: “What’s one tiny, meaningful step I can take today?”
That’s where healing—and habit—begins.
If you’re struggling to implement changes or feeling stuck, therapy can be a helpful space to unpack the barriers and co-create a plan that works for you.
