Freezing Up in Difficult Conversations: A Therapist’s Perspective

As a therapist, I often encounter clients who feel overwhelmed by the thought of engaging in difficult or crucial conversations. Whether it’s confronting a friend about a lingering conflict, setting boundaries with a family member, or addressing tensions in the workplace, the fear of saying the wrong thing or escalating the situation can lead to a paralyzing sense of avoidance. This response, often referred to as “freezing up,” is more common than you might think.

With the backdrop of a presidential change and the accompanying surge of political, social, and personal debates, many of us find ourselves at the crossroads of conversations that feel too important to avoid but too fraught to engage in. The stakes feel high, and the potential for conflict looms large. Fortunately, the book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler offers invaluable insights into navigating these moments with courage and skill.

Why Do We Freeze?

Freezing up during crucial conversations often stems from a combination of fear and uncertainty. These moments tend to be high-stakes, emotionally charged, and unpredictable. Our brains perceive these situations as threats, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response. While fight and flight are more visibly reactive, freezing is a quieter form of self-protection—an attempt to avoid saying something that could worsen the situation.

The Cost of Avoidance

Avoidance might offer short-term relief, but it often leads to long-term consequences: strained relationships, unresolved issues, and even greater anxiety about future conversations. Left unaddressed, these patterns can create a culture of silence or passive aggression in our personal and professional lives.

So, how can we unfreeze and face these challenging conversations? Let’s explore actionable strategies inspired by Crucial Conversations.

Strategies to Engage in Crucial Conversations

1. Start with Heart Before entering a difficult conversation, take a moment to reflect on your true intentions. What outcome are you hoping for? Are you seeking understanding, resolution, or connection? Focusing on your motives can help you approach the conversation with clarity and authenticity rather than defensiveness.
2. Create Safety Safety is the foundation of effective communication. If the other person feels attacked or dismissed, they’re unlikely to engage constructively. To create a safe environment:
   • Show respect, even if you disagree.
   • Acknowledge their perspective.
   • Use statements like, “I’m sharing this because I value our relationship and want us to understand each other better.”
3. Master Your Stories Our emotions during tough conversations are often shaped by the stories we tell ourselves. For instance, if someone interrupts you during a meeting, you might interpret it as a sign of disrespect. However, their intent might have been entirely different. Pause to examine your assumptions and be open to alternative interpretations. This practice helps you stay curious rather than reactive.
4. State Your Path When sharing your perspective, use the “STATE” method from Crucial Conversations:
   • Share your facts: Begin with objective observations.
   • Tell your story: Explain how you’re interpreting these facts.
   • Ask for their viewpoint: Invite them to share their perspective.
   • Talk tentatively: Avoid absolute statements.
   • Encourage dialogue: Foster mutual understanding.

   For example: “When I see that our discussions often shift to politics during family dinners, I worry that it’s creating tension. How do you feel about it?”

5. Listen to Understand Listening isn’t just about hearing words; it’s about understanding the emotions and values behind them. During crucial conversations, practice active listening by:
   • Reflecting back what you hear.
   • Asking open-ended questions.
   • Avoiding interruptions or defensive responses.
6. Focus on What You Can Control You can’t control the other person’s reactions, but you can control your own mindset, tone, and behavior. Stay calm, even if emotions run high, and remind yourself that progress doesn’t require perfection.

The Presidential Change: A Catalyst for Conversations

The transition to a new presidency often brings renewed energy to national and personal dialogues. While political conversations can feel especially divisive, they also offer opportunities for growth and connection. By engaging with curiosity rather than judgment, we can turn potentially polarizing discussions into bridges of understanding.

For example, instead of saying, “How can you support that candidate?” try, “I’m curious about what appeals to you most about their policies.”

These conversations are not just about politics; they’re about the values, fears, and hopes that shape our lives. When we approach them with empathy and skill, we can deepen our relationships and contribute to a culture of respectful dialogue.

Conclusion

Freezing up during crucial conversations is a natural response, but it doesn’t have to define us. With the right tools and mindset, we can transform these moments into opportunities for connection and growth. As we navigate the complexities of a presidential change and the ongoing challenges of our personal lives, let’s commit to engaging in the hard conversations that truly matter.

After all, as Crucial Conversations reminds us, the quality of our lives often depends on the quality of our dialogues.